i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
