the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
