The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
