Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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