We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
They took my balls.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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