Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
