I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
