i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
