Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
