It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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