In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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