Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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