So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
