using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
