A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
