Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
