JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
