so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
