I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
