If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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