You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
