my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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