I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
