My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Is Oprah even human
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
