I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
