I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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