the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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