Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize