well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
