i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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