And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
