The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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