Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
