How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
