I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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