Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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