I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize