I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
