have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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