at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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