haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
