I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
