He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
