My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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