my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
