I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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