just tell him i said nine months
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize