onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
