You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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