Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
