just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you inspire me to be a worse person
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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