highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
