So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
