You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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