His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
