making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
