I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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