Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize