I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
