You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
